Well man, I don’t know where to begin. At first I didn’t know what to think of you, and now I can’t stop thinking about you. You were the stranger, the new guy at work, that came up to me and asked me what was wrong. You were the guy that knew there were scars underneath my sleeves even though you hadn’t seen them previous. You were my life support, the guy that always scolded me for taking pickles, Work will not be the same without you. Who else is going to get me my dishes as fast as you did, or joke around with the soapy water? 

I’m glad you’re out of your misery,though. I’m sorry for getting mad that I had to cover your shifts when you didn’t come in for a couple days. I didn’t realize how shitty that makes me feel until I can’t tell you in person. I’m sorry for getting mad at you someday’s because you were having a bad day. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how much you went through..

I’ll miss you, Bobby Seha. The stranger that cared. The guy that became my best friend. I’ll take a hit just for you, man. Just like you wanted. I’ll see ya again, sometime.

I love you, buddy. 

I cannot wait until I can see you play with the Marine band, you’ll be so kick ass. I can’t wait for you to be all sexy in your dress blues, with your flute, living your dream. I know you can do it. It’s so close, and so real. -Tristian

Seeing things like this from a long time ago make coming on here that much harder. Who knows how long ago this was. 

I don’t even know what to say. 

I still love him, I know it, you guys. Can I do anything about it? Fuck no. Do I want to? Nope. He’s got someone else, and so do I. 

God damn it. Why must all the memories from the summer and our vacation come flooding back? Why do I see him every time I look at my nephew? Why can’t I walk into Applebee’s without wondering why he’s not sitting next to me? 

Why can’t this be simple? 

I think it’s been about four or five months since I’ve been on here. It feels weird coming back and seeing all the emotional stuff I posted. I had no idea how bad I had actually been. I was mourning over Nate, while I was dating Tristian, and I was an avid cutter. Things didn’t look so good. 

I’m happy to say things are going quite better for me. I went to a rehab center, and got better. My mind set has changed a lot, and with the help of my co-worker, I finally got rid of my razor. Granted, though, I took up smoking. But I think after all this college stress goes away, that bad habit will, too. I got accepted into Wartburg College in Waverly, Iowa, and will go on to study music in the fall this year. I’m still working at McDonald’s, but even that brought a silver lining into my life. I met someone. :) his name is Josh, we met the day he started. We closed a lot together and would stay out in the parking lot chatting away until the openers got there many a night. Before we knew it, we were inseparable. We’ve only actually been dating for two months, but he’s become one of my best friends. I use to really hate that job, and sometimes I still do, but without it, I wouldn’t have met him. 

I noticed some of you messaged me about what happened with Tristian and I. To put it into simple words, I don’t really know. We drifted apart, really. I started having brain problems again, and all we really did was fight. We had a bad break up, and I ended up getting back together with Nate for a little while. Not my proudest moment, but life goes on. Dating Nate for the last time gave me the closure I needed to realize I didn’t love him anymore. It brought us to the point where we’re basically siblings now. He’s my best friend, and he finally moved on, as well. I’m happy for him and his girlfriend, and happier that I can call him my best friend. 

As for Tristian, the last time I saw him was my birthday, which was January 28th. It hurt to see him, but I let everything out that was unsaid between us. I wasn’t telling him the entire story about a lot, and it led to be a pretty emotional day. We broke up because of Nate—No, not because of him. Because of my lack of stability in my mind. We talked once in a while between then and now, but all I was doing was hurting him. I knew he was a wreck, and when I tried to fix it, it got worse. The best I had to do was to leave him alone. I was the cause of his pain. I wasn’t fair to him, and I take full responsibility for my actions. I did not cheat on him, I loved him with my whole heart. I was just an unstable and terrible girlfriend. We had great times, though. We even took a vacation together. My family loved him, and we even planned on marrying. Our paths weren’t meant to cross, at least not right now. We are going in two separate (but yet still the same) directions with our lives. Do I want to get back together with him? No. I’m happy with the relationship I’m in, and wouldn’t want to trade it for anything. Do I want to fix things between us? Yes. We had too much to let it go. But the sting of the break up is still there, and it’s too early to start picking the scab. I was tempted to go look at his Tumblr, but I’m afraid of what I’ll find on there. Maybe another day, when I’m ready. 

I hope this cleared up some things for some people. I’m sorry this was so long, I needed to get out a lot. Thanks for reading all of this, if you did. A virtual hug goes out to you. :)

I relapsed last night.
I’m deleting my Tumblr, because all I feel like I’m doing is seeking for attention.
My heart hurts.

I’m on twitter and Facebook, still. But I’m just not ready to come back to Tumblr. Too many bad memories.

Doing it for the first time since we ended is… Weird.

I don’t know if I’ll continue.

I wish we had closure. Then shit like this wouldn’t happen.